Dealing with Conflict Without Drama

This is a concept I learned from executive coach Tom Henschel. It’s based on Difficult Conversations, by Stone, Patton, and Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project. Henschel uses this metaphor to encapsulate the meat of the book, presenting it in a way that makes it easy to remember, and most important of all, easy to apply.

The idea itself is simple. If you are in conflict, then you are in one of the rooms of Conflict House. How well you handle the conflict depends on what you do in each of its rooms. The front door is labeled “Right/Wrong”. Beyond its foyer are three rooms.

In the first room you focus on what happened. Here you compare stories and see where your views differ. In the second room are your feelings about what happened. Disagreement sparks feelings. As Henschel puts it, if you weren’t having feelings, then you wouldn’t be in Conflict House. In the third room is your sense of self. When you defend your position, it can be easy to feel your identity is caught up in being right. When your perceived status, respect, or value seems threatened, you are in the third room.  

Today we’ll discuss three simple tactics to help you better navigate Conflict House.

1. Pretend you’re an investigative reporter.

2. Strengthen your listening boundary.

3. Consider all three rooms.

Pretend You’re an Investigative Reporter

This is a trick I picked up from psychotherapist Vicki Tidwell Palmer. It’s a mindset that helps you approach potentially contentious conversations with some distance. And it can be applied to any situation. Whether it’s a heated staff meeting or a Thanksgiving dinner with some difficult relatives, when you put on your “investigative reporter” hat you’re suddenly just there to gather information, to see what you can see, and to learn what you can.

People are going to say things you disagree with. You don’t have to take it personally, running into the third room of the house. When what happens isn’t tied directly to your identity, you’ll be less defensive. This helps you change your feelings about it, allowing you to respond more than react. This is important because, as Henschel points out, your feelings are in fact the difference between a normal and difficult conversation.

When you put on your investigative reporter hat, you’re just there to surface the other person’s views, unpack their thinking, and vet your assumptions. You’ll be far less likely to take anything personally. Once you learn this secret, then you’ll realize that Conflict House has a back door as well. Henschel says it is labeled “Stay Curious”, and when you enter through the back, everything inside seems…easier.

Strengthen Your Listening Boundary

This technique is from author Pia Melody. Whenever someone expresses their views, either it will ring true to you, you’ll feel neutral about it, or you will disagree with aspects of what is said. It’s often only with disagreement that unpleasant feelings are sparked. If you have a healthy listening boundary, however, then you can acknowledge disagreement without getting hooked, and this will help you better navigate Conflict House.

Let’s say someone says something that rubs you the wrong way. What are your options? First, you can let it go. Second, you can put on your investigative reporter hat and ask questions: “What do mean by X?” “How do you know X is true?” “What X specifically?” etc.

This should be done from a standpoint of detached but genuine curiosity, not as a hostile interrogation. Third, you can challenge the points made. Challenging might be what you’ll often want to do. Before you challenge someone, however, pause. What is your intention? Is it to prove yourself right? To sound smart? Or is it to correct an error and help? If the latter, and the matter is important, what do you think the likely outcome will be? Is the benefit of getting into it greater than the cost?

If it’s not important enough to get into, then you can always keep your investigative reporter hat on and learn a little about why the other person holds the view you disagree with. If you decide to correct them, do it in a diplomatic way that helps them save face. Whichever option you choose, don’t get defensive. When your goal becomes to defend yourself instead of just learn or inform, then you end up putting more pressure on yourself—you risk ending up back in the third room.

Consider All Three Rooms

Each room in Conflict House is a type of conversation. Henschel suggests you practice listening for them, that you get better at identifying them as they are happening. Once you’ve heard something that sounds like one of the three rooms, this helps you know how best to respond.

If someone is sharing their view, ask clarifying questions. If it sounds like they have strong feelings about it, then listen for and label the emotions you detect. Reflect back to them. You can literally say, “It sounds like you have strong feelings about this.” Pause and let them respond. Their feelings are real for them, whatever they are. Honor their feelings without debate. If it sounds like their sense of self is tied up in it, Henschel suggests saying, “I see why this is so important to you.” Consider what this teaches you about the person.

If you’re in a meeting and it seems like there are some strong, unstated feelings in the air, call it out. As Randy Pausch famously said, when there is an elephant in the room, introduce it. When you name unspoken feelings, often this will itself change the atmosphere. This can help you get out of Conflict House when you really don’t need to be there. In general, if you can name your feelings, stay curious about disagreement, and not let your identity get tied to being right, then you will get better at navigating Conflict House.

Finally, don’t let any of this make you think conflict is a bad thing. It’s not! Conflict just means people have “conflicting” views, and they always will. As negotiator Kwame Christian puts it, conflict isn’t combat—it’s just an opportunity to learn. If you put off difficult conversations, then you put off growing. The goal is not to avoid Conflict House. It’s to get smarter about it.

Until next time.  

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